Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
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Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.