Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
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Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.