Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.