Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing