@FirstDateStory: "Went to watch a movie, I was wearing shorts and he swiped his finger on my leg. Later found out he wiped his booger on me"
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@Bob_Janke: An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don't get electrocuted when it rains and now we're checking Google
@AnissaClingman: When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don't be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
@Parkerlawyer: So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed? What my wife said: If you want to What I heard: If you want to live