My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
me: my friends:
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”