Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Legend 🤣🤣
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.