We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
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drew a comic about my origin story
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”