Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
You Might Also Like
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I’m listening
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I created you as mosquito food.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart