If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
You Might Also Like
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
X-tra spooky blend
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.