@itsa_talia: we're going to have a president named jeb. president jeb.
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@jeffswarens: Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I'm an idiot Me: Don't ask. They swore me to secrecy.
@pleatedjeans: Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don't want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
@tylerschmall: Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
@Underchilde: I don’t think Twitter’s real. I think I’m in a mall in 1987 listening to “I Think We’re Alone Now” & my mind invented Twitter to protect me.