[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
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Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.