We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
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I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
#Caturday
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
the short answer to this question