We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Holy shit he’s back
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.