Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

This meal prepping shit easy

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*