We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
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People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me :
All Day At Night
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito