“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Good morning, Twitter x
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Venn
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video