“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”