Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I feel seen.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available