Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Finally a use for spoilers…
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
getting corrected
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard