Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
wow he looks just like him
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.