Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.