“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
c’mon!
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.