“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.