Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
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INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Okay, I’m still confused…
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not