I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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Happy thanksgiving!
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.