We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
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If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Lassie, get help!
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”