We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
pizza
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more