@Darlainky: “We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
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@Daniel_Sloss: Airport receptionist: anything to declare? Me: how bout these guns? *flexes* Her: OH GOD HE'S GOT GUNS! Me: wait.. I was.. Her: HELP!! AGH!
@thrillhicks: I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
@KyleMcDowell86: "Is Phil coming tonight?" "Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?" *suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
@tdwyer618: "Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?" "He didn't do his 1st grade homework."