“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
tell em, edith-anne