We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
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We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
🦝🔥🦝🔥
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’