Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
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Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away