Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
All set.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.