What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
You Might Also Like
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The news
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.