“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
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Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job