me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
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My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
never ask a starfish for directions
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.