@kumailn: What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like "I tried to stab my friend" & his opponents are like "no you didn't."
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@arealliveghost: my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called "good"
@BuckyIsotope: "I'm in international waters, your damn laws can't touch me" I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
@AndyRichter: After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they'd start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
@rzarosco: If I ever murder anyone I'm going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it