@kumailn: What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like "I tried to stab my friend" & his opponents are like "no you didn't."
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@delusions_of: If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn't work play "Tiny Dancer". Bears love that song.
@Shanehasabeard: Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
@AmishPornStar1: Cupcakes are for people who don't have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake! Losers.
@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: "Why do you want to join the Secret Service?" Me: "It's a secret." Job interviewer: "You got the job."