@kumailn: What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like "I tried to stab my friend" & his opponents are like "no you didn't."
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@QwertyJones3: But my sandwich is so dry! "Sorry sir, that's not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic."
@LDLevesque: I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.
@Brianhopecomedy: I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we're walking home with a cart.
@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.