@kumailn: What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like "I tried to stab my friend" & his opponents are like "no you didn't."
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@NicestHippo: Ever since childhood I've identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: I don't like my princess shoes with the heels. Me: Do they hurt your feet? 5-year-old: I can't run from zombies.
@fro_vo: [first date] Me: so what do you do Date: i'm a veterinarian Me: thank you for your service Date: veterinarian not veteran Me: ok but still