What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
oh you wanna fight?!
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Somebody call the cops.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet