What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
You Might Also Like
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Print is alive and well!!!
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.