[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
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Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Happy thanksgiving
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.