we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin