[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.