“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
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Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.