What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction