“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.