What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
You Might Also Like
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Oops I deleted….
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards