If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
You Might Also Like
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this