“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead