@YesThatAmy: What did I do before Twitter? Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!?!
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@joanofdarkness: I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like "omg do u think he likes me???"
@Fred_Delicious: [Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"
@_b1p0larbear: Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor. I don't know whether to be impressed or scared.
@Gre_Gone: *caches football thrown from off screen* "Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*