On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
You Might Also Like
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
How your email finds me
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms