What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.